Craigslist FAIL Part II: Klassy Ladies Edition
As long as there is a Craigslist and an ocean of lonely, grammatically incompetent single women, I will have a place to go for a quick ego boost and a good laugh. I present, for your reading enjoyment, the second installation of Craigslist FAIL: Klassy Ladies Edition – “Strong enough for a shirtless vegan bohemian man, Made for a woman who barely finished high school” – featuring actual listings posted by real (desperate) ladies. God help us, if it is even right that he should do so.
from w4w
“Cute and Curious – 24”
Hi… To start out, I am a 24 year old white female. I have a boyfriend, and I have become very bi~curious. I am searching for another bi~curious woman who would be interested in getting to know me and my boyfriend, and see where we end up. I am interested in a thicker female, I am thick myself..( I am not a thin female, so if thats what you want, need not to respond ). I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and big double D breast. We are disease and drug free, if you are not please do not respond! We are drama free, and dont want any bs… Basically what I am looking for is a friend to hang out with,( we have children, and its great if you do to ) and possibly have some fun with in the bedroom. It would mostly just be me and you, but my boyfriend would be there to watch, and later if things are right and we develope enough trust I would like for him to join in. (Please be open with having sex with him, not just me because I want to watch him with another female) Couples are welcome too! We are not swingers, but we are open to some fun! … A few more details; Please only white females, or couples between about 23-28, no skinny people, and only bi women. No one night stands!!! Please put “cute and Curious” in the reply box, and your pic gets ours!! We look forward to talking to you!
Let me break down this hot-ass mess of not sexy for you line by line, because I know there’s an awful lot going on here and I don’t want anyone to get overwhelmed. The author of “Cute and Curious” is a thick female (woman or possibly malamute, it’s hard to say) seeking similar. Interested parties must be drama/drug/braincell free and able to put away an 8 piece bucket from KFC (Extra Krispy or Original Recipe, but not grilled – bitches need to learn to cowboy up to some transfats) in under 3 minutes. A few minor details: author has only one breast – a large one – and respondents must be willing to sleep with her boyfriend while she watches. From behind her bucket of Original Recipe Boneless Tenders. Also, she wants everyone to know that she is NOT a swinger, but wouldn’t mind bumping uglies with another couple. Nothing swingy about that, nope. No swinging here. Dumb ass.
from w4m
“I just want to know… – 22”
WTF is wrong with ppl? Why is it always sex sex sex… Don’t you think it’s awkward when that part is over and you have nothing in common? Doesn’t it bother you to know that you give it out so freely… Don’t you women know what it does to your body? Don’t you want to be good enough when you find the right person? Don’t you men realize it doesn’t get you anything at the end of the day? Don’t you think you’re worth more than that? If someone only wants sex they can get it elsewhere… WTF is wrong with you ppl? It bothers me that I can find no-one who wants anything to do with any part of me other than my rack or the junk in the trunk… WTF is wrong?! No, you’re not going to get it… I don’t care how badly you may wnt it, Get over IT!! It makes me sooo mad to be friends with someone and think it’s going in a good direction until, uh-oh, turns out they were just my friend to later grab my boobs, or if we start dating after being friends they think that after the 4th official date they’re entitled to anything… WTF is wrong… Not everyone goes down like that… And if you want something this fantastic, you’re not going to get it that easy… WTF is wrong with ppl? omfg…
Thanks for listening, I feel alot better…
Me thinks she doth protest too much. Here’s the deal, Princess Chastity Belt: SEX FEELS AWESOME! If you have to ask why everyone seems so intent on getting all frisky after only a few dates, maybe it’s because you’ve been doing it wrong. And what is all this about being “good enough” when you find the right person by having minimal sexual partners? Last time I checked, the only real way to achieve excellence was through hard work and practice, practice, practice. The author seems disenchanted with the idea that the men in her life find her sexually attractive. Cupcake, stop whining and start scoring the free shit that those boobs of yours entitle you to! And why is this crap even posted in the personals in the first place? The author has made every attempt conceivable to portray herself as NOT enticing, NOT available, and in particular NOT possessing of a realistic view of human sexuality.
from casual encounters
“Just A Taste – w4m”
I am going to keep this short. Club scene is proving fruitless let’s see what craigslist can do thats putting it simply. Can’t handle the strain of a relationship these days. Reply for my number.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I go out to a public place intending to attract a little sexual attention, I make absolutely sure that I’m putting my best foot (and hair, and perky boobs) forward. And not once has the club scene ever proved “fruitless”. So what we have here is an individual who, in a dimly lit club at 1am while wearing full makeup and her best bra, is unable to entice not one drunk guy to have casual sex with her. Wow.
There are pages and pages of similar posts. Most of them are chuckle worthy and a few of them will make you cringe. The ladies of Craiglist are Klassy with a K.
Later
Morgan
BBW seeks SWF 4 NSA/FWB and/or LTR – WTF?
I love reading the personals on CraigsList.org, and I read them with the same enthusiasm that I eat cookies, sit on my ass, and play xbox. Today was that kind of day, and since misery loves company I made sure to get my trusty man-friend in on the joy. An hour spent contemplating out loud the desperation that would drive one to post an ad titled “TIGHT BOTTOM NEEDS HARD TOP ON THURS AFTERNOON” in m4m is an hour well spent on a cold winter’s afternoon.
Here are a few selections I just couldn’t keep to myself. There is just so much desire, longing, and intense sexual frustration out there in Craig’s Land, it’s only right to share. Make yourself a cup of hot chocolate and cosy up with a blanket for these.
From m4w:
“Private Emotively Empathetic Press Agent – 26”
dear undisclosed female,
I am here to listen, while sipping coffee from my leather embroidered couch and leaning against my leatherbound bookcase, petting, occasionally, my poodle named puddles, to your spirit, heart, mind, body, and etherial essence. Please refrain from misdirected enthusiasm; no foot stomping, hoot/hollering, no clapping or foot tapping until the session is commenced and finished; just the facts mam., just the facts.
Does this remind anyone of Anchorman? “I’m kind of a big deal. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” Seriously, Mr. Privately Emotively Empathetic Press Agent, pretentious much? I can’t imagine any woman wanting to share her etherial (misspelled, press agent my ass) essences with this man without a condom, saran wrap, and a pair of oven mitts. Oh, and the Drag Net reference ain’t doing it for me either, casanova. If you’re calling a girl ma’am you better be her bank teller, not her date.
From w4w:
“In search of a sugar mama – 26”
Not looking for NSA sex or anything other than that… I’m looking for a long term relationship…
Open or casual… I don’t care about your personal life… If you married or not because thats
your business… But I’m looking for a down to earth person that can take care of me and my needs…
I don’t need anyone that can’t hold a job and asking for money… I have my own, but…I can do bad all by myself…
So, can’t support yourself? Obviously, you can’t support me… Hmmm…
Reply to my ad with SUGA MAMA in the subject line or you will be deleted as spam…
If you don’t have a picture… No need to respond… No picture… Means you don’t get mine!
With a sense of entitlement as big as hers, this girl better have the hottest tang this side of the Mississippi. If she expects the independently wealthy bisexual woman of her champagne wishes and Gucci handbag dreams to be perusing CraigsList for a young lady to lavish with riches (and not expect any sex in return, because the ad really doesn’t specify) she’s not living in the same reality as the rest of us. “I don’t need anyone that can’t hold a job and asking for money” – because that’s what I do. “So, can’t support yourself? Obviously, you can’t support me” – because I’ve got about $20,000 in credit card debt to pay off.
From w4m:
“Ok so I am a LITTLE picky! – 24”
I am a little picky but they say there is someone out there for everyone. So here it goes! I am looking for someone that does NOT smoke, drink on a regular basis and does NOT do drugs. I love bald men with blue eyes but I do not have to have a bald man. I like older men but not over 39. I am pretty independent ok I am VERY Independent so you must not be a bum. I do not want a pic of my face on here but I want you to know I am real so I dont get a million emails asking me if I am real so please include a pic with your response! Oh Yeh I am a short thick girl so if you want barbie..please don’t waste your time or mine!
This girl is completely incapable of written composition past the level of 4th grade English. She also just described her ideal man as Mr. Clean.
From m4m:
“Lemme watch you jerk off – 28”
I’ve got some hot bareback porn for ya. Sit back on the couch and show me how you stroke your cock… I can lend a hand if you want, touch, even kiss, or just sit and watch you do your thing. Upto you. 420 friendly. Nice, laid back guy. Mail me if this interests you.
Let me just say that the posts in the “men seeking men” section of the personals were by far the most direct. Virtually all of the ads had titles that were really just orders, many of them shouted. “Suck my cock NOW!” was pretty direct, and I think someone was trying to play coy with “rough. me. up.” but this one really jumped out at me. This ad makes it sound like sex is going to be this accident that happens on a sunday afternoon while two guys are just casually watching a skin flick together on the couch. The title suggests a command, but the post itself is more of a friendly suggestion like “Hey, let’s get together and, y’know, watch porn after the game. We can smoke a little weed then maybe later I help you take your pants off and oops! How did my mouth end up on your penis?”
I hope all of my readers (back down to 2 – Was it something I said?) derived as much enjoyment from these personals ads as I did, and if the original authors happen to be reading my blog, keep up the good work you awesome bastards!
Later
Morgan
Bowl of Popcorn 