Chemical Dispersents and You: An educational journey.
- Within the past week, 9 workers hired by BP to clean oil in the Gulf have been hospitalized with complaints ranging from shortness of breath and upset stomach to severe headaches and nosebleeds. One worker remains hospitalized and has filed a restraining order against BP, alleging that before he was allowed to enter the hospital he was stripped of his clothing. The restraining order specifically requests that BP stop using the chemical dispercent Corexit unless workers are provided with protective masks, which currently they are not.
- What is Corexit you ask? Corexit is a product line manufatured by Nalco Holding Company, which specializes in chemical and water treatment. It is worth noting that Nalco Holding Company has very close ties to BP, Exxon, and Goldman Sachs.
- Corexit works by dispersing the oil film into small droplets which mix with sea water and, consequently, produces harmful vapors as some of the oil is dispersed into the air.
- According to Nalco’s safety data sheet on Corexit, people should “avoid breathing in vapor” from Corexit, and that masks should be work when Corexit is present in certain concentrations in the air.
- Corexit was used in the 1989 Exxon Valdez disaster in Alaska. According to the Alaska Community Action on Toxics, the use of Corexit during the Exxon Valdez oil spill caused “respiratory, nervous system, liver, kidney and blood disorders” in people.
- On May 19, the EPA gave BP 24 hours to choose a less toxic chemical dispersent or provide an explanation for why they couldn’t. BP has thus far used a variant of the Corexit product line, and applied approx. 800,000 gallons underwater.
- According to Clint Guidry, president of the Louisiana Shrimper’s Association, BP has threatened workers who speak out against the health concerns and working conditions. Many of the workers hired by BP are shrimpers who have lost their livelihoods because of the oil spill.
- We also know that oil industry insiders from BP and Exxon serve on Nalco’s board of directors. On a side note, did anyone catch that there’s an 11 year old on the board of directors at BP? Not joking.
- We have data that indicates that the chemical Dispersit is nearly half as toxic and twice as effective as Corexit, but manufactured by a totally different company (US Polychemical Corp.)
- We know that the individuals hired to clean up the oil spill who come into contact with the harmful vapors from Corexit will become very ill, just like the workers from the Exxon Valdez spill who suffered liver and kidney damage among other health consequences.
Bryan Fischer, The AFA, and a recent timeline of Christian Fundamentalism – Sources: MediaMatters.org, TowlerRoad.com, RightWingWatch.org, Action.AFA.net, RenewAmerica.com
- Bryan Fischer: Director of Issue Analysis for Government and Public Policy at the American Family Association, an organization whose mission can best be summed up in a direct quote from their website: “We believe that God has communicated absolute truth to man through nature and the Bible, and that all men everywhere and at all times are subject to His authority. Therefore, a culture based on Biblical truth best serves the well-being of our country as evidenced by the vision of our forefathers as set forth in the Declaration of Independence.” This is an organization that actively seeks to legislate public policy that will more accurately reflect biblical authority.
- Nov. 6, 2009 – In response to the murders at Fort Hood, Fischer writes that Muslims should be barred from military service. “The barbarians are no longer at the gate. They’re inside the fort, and it’s time for the insanity to stop.”
- Dec. 14, 2009 – Fischer claims in an AFA blog post that Article IV of the Constitution indicating that no “religious test” be required for service in a public office simply means that it doesn’t matter which denomination of Christianity that you belong to.
- Jan. 8, 2010 – Fischer openly advocates the use of “lethal force” against Muslims, alluding to the biblical genocide of the Canaanites in a blog post entitles “Islam is an Evil, Wicked religion – Here’s Proof”. “You can begin to understand why God instructed the Israelites to kill every living thing among the Canaanites – every man, every woman, and every child. To leave even one alive was to put innocent Israelites in future jeopardy.”
- April 9, 2010 – Fischer writes that the best way to “save what is left of American culture” is to deport all Muslims currently living in the US and halt the immigration of Muslims across US borders. It is worth noting that this is the first blog post that comes with a disclaimer at the top that reads: “The American Family Association has not taken a position on this issue.” Fischer is employed by the AFA, he represents the AFA at conferences, he’s practically the voice of the AFA.
- April 12, 2010 – Fischer backpedals, sort of. He thinks we should only deport Muslims who refuse to accept Jesus as their personal lord and savior. “Those who are willing to convert to Christianity and renounce Islam, Allah, Mohammed and the Koran may be welcomed, for they can become not just good Christians but true Americans.”
- April 15, 2010 – Fischer and the AFA argue that it would be impossible for a gay judge to rule impartially in court when “homosexual causes” are involved. Y’know, just like how it would be impossible for a black judge or a lady judge to remain impartial when their respective minority groups are represented in court. “A homosexual judge cannot help but give the home-field advantage to every legal team appearing before him who represents homosexual causes. It will be impossible for the visiting team, the team representing sexual normalcy and natural marriage, to get a fair shake in his courtroom.”
- April 23, 2010 – Fischer, in a blog critisizing the military for disinviting Franklin Graham from a Pentagon ceremony celebrating the National Day of Prayer, claims that the military is run by “Fundamentalist Muslims and homosexual advocates”. Fischer says Muslim extremists and gay people are working together harmoniously to destroy American family values via the US military. Riiiiight.
- May 24, 2010 – What would Jesus sign? According to Fischer, the Arizona Immigration law. Why? “Because of his compassion. This compassion is for the citizens of Arizona who are subject to home invasions, out-of-control drug trafficking, human smuggling, the constant threat of kidnappings, and a $2.7 billion price tag for all the social problems caused by illegal aliens. The costs of education, welfare, medical care and law enforcement may wind up bankrupting the state. The compassion of Jesus goes out to Arizonans who live with constant social disruption and suffer a steady drain on resources which should be available to take care of their families.”
- May 26, 2010 – Fischer’s hot mess of crazy reaches critical mass: Hitler was gay, the Nazi party began in a gay bar in Munich, and the worst of the atrocities were committed by gay Nazis. “Most of Hitler’s closest aides were homosexuals or sexual deviants. This circle included not only Roehm but the Hitler Youth leader, the Minister of Justice, the Minister of Economics, Hermann Goering (who may not have been homosexual but who liked to dress in drag, paint his nails and put rouge on his cheeks), his personal attorney and his bodyguards. Hitler himself likely functioned as a male prostitute in the days of his youth in Vienna.”
The AFA (supposedly a 501c3 nonprofit and the organization that employs Bryan Fischer) owns and operates nearly 200 radio stations across the country. On it’s website, the AFA states that it “used its formidable internet presence to promote Tax Day (April 15) Tea Party Rallies in over 1,000 cities across America.”
As long as there is a Craigslist and an ocean of lonely, grammatically incompetent single women, I will have a place to go for a quick ego boost and a good laugh. I present, for your reading enjoyment, the second installation of Craigslist FAIL: Klassy Ladies Edition – “Strong enough for a shirtless vegan bohemian man, Made for a woman who barely finished high school” – featuring actual listings posted by real (desperate) ladies. God help us, if it is even right that he should do so.
“Cute and Curious – 24”
Hi… To start out, I am a 24 year old white female. I have a boyfriend, and I have become very bi~curious. I am searching for another bi~curious woman who would be interested in getting to know me and my boyfriend, and see where we end up. I am interested in a thicker female, I am thick myself..( I am not a thin female, so if thats what you want, need not to respond ). I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and big double D breast. We are disease and drug free, if you are not please do not respond! We are drama free, and dont want any bs… Basically what I am looking for is a friend to hang out with,( we have children, and its great if you do to ) and possibly have some fun with in the bedroom. It would mostly just be me and you, but my boyfriend would be there to watch, and later if things are right and we develope enough trust I would like for him to join in. (Please be open with having sex with him, not just me because I want to watch him with another female) Couples are welcome too! We are not swingers, but we are open to some fun! … A few more details; Please only white females, or couples between about 23-28, no skinny people, and only bi women. No one night stands!!! Please put “cute and Curious” in the reply box, and your pic gets ours!! We look forward to talking to you!
Let me break down this hot-ass mess of not sexy for you line by line, because I know there’s an awful lot going on here and I don’t want anyone to get overwhelmed. The author of “Cute and Curious” is a thick female (woman or possibly malamute, it’s hard to say) seeking similar. Interested parties must be drama/drug/braincell free and able to put away an 8 piece bucket from KFC (Extra Krispy or Original Recipe, but not grilled – bitches need to learn to cowboy up to some transfats) in under 3 minutes. A few minor details: author has only one breast – a large one – and respondents must be willing to sleep with her boyfriend while she watches. From behind her bucket of Original Recipe Boneless Tenders. Also, she wants everyone to know that she is NOT a swinger, but wouldn’t mind bumping uglies with another couple. Nothing swingy about that, nope. No swinging here. Dumb ass.
“I just want to know… – 22”
WTF is wrong with ppl? Why is it always sex sex sex… Don’t you think it’s awkward when that part is over and you have nothing in common? Doesn’t it bother you to know that you give it out so freely… Don’t you women know what it does to your body? Don’t you want to be good enough when you find the right person? Don’t you men realize it doesn’t get you anything at the end of the day? Don’t you think you’re worth more than that? If someone only wants sex they can get it elsewhere… WTF is wrong with you ppl? It bothers me that I can find no-one who wants anything to do with any part of me other than my rack or the junk in the trunk… WTF is wrong?! No, you’re not going to get it… I don’t care how badly you may wnt it, Get over IT!! It makes me sooo mad to be friends with someone and think it’s going in a good direction until, uh-oh, turns out they were just my friend to later grab my boobs, or if we start dating after being friends they think that after the 4th official date they’re entitled to anything… WTF is wrong… Not everyone goes down like that… And if you want something this fantastic, you’re not going to get it that easy… WTF is wrong with ppl? omfg…
Thanks for listening, I feel alot better…
Me thinks she doth protest too much. Here’s the deal, Princess Chastity Belt: SEX FEELS AWESOME! If you have to ask why everyone seems so intent on getting all frisky after only a few dates, maybe it’s because you’ve been doing it wrong. And what is all this about being “good enough” when you find the right person by having minimal sexual partners? Last time I checked, the only real way to achieve excellence was through hard work and practice, practice, practice. The author seems disenchanted with the idea that the men in her life find her sexually attractive. Cupcake, stop whining and start scoring the free shit that those boobs of yours entitle you to! And why is this crap even posted in the personals in the first place? The author has made every attempt conceivable to portray herself as NOT enticing, NOT available, and in particular NOT possessing of a realistic view of human sexuality.
from casual encounters
“Just A Taste – w4m”
I am going to keep this short. Club scene is proving fruitless let’s see what craigslist can do thats putting it simply. Can’t handle the strain of a relationship these days. Reply for my number.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I go out to a public place intending to attract a little sexual attention, I make absolutely sure that I’m putting my best foot (and hair, and perky boobs) forward. And not once has the club scene ever proved “fruitless”. So what we have here is an individual who, in a dimly lit club at 1am while wearing full makeup and her best bra, is unable to entice not one drunk guy to have casual sex with her. Wow.
There are pages and pages of similar posts. Most of them are chuckle worthy and a few of them will make you cringe. The ladies of Craiglist are Klassy with a K.
If you haven’t seen MTV’s Silent Library, the excruciating reality show based on the UK hit Fist of Zen, I’m going to recommend that you get to Youtubing it right this second because it will make you wet your pants. The premise is simple: Six fine upstanding young gentlemen, with the occasional young lady thrown in for good measure, endure “challenges” – the kind you equate with enhanced interrogation methods – for cash. It’s basically Fear Factor-lite, except that it takes place in a library, so contestants must remain completely silent lest they disturb the crotchety old library patrons.
The challenges are cringe-inducing, but not impossible. I could easily choke down a custard cup full of raw garlic dipped in hot toothpaste (from last night’s episode, challenge called “bad breath fondue” I believe) if a few hundred dollars was at stake. The difficulty arises when contestants who are spectating try to suppress their laughter, often to the point of tears, as fellow players are pelted with giant spitballs or made to wear a blindfold and feed carrots to Ron Jeremy’s disembodied head. I was doubled over in hysterics from the safety of my own couch. I don’t want to imagine how difficult it must be to maintain your composure as an eyewitness to the strange depths of your friends’ financial desperation and the twisted creativity of the show’s producers.
Still, I’d like to give it a try. I’d like to think that even though nothing tickles my funny bone like risky jackassery, especially the kind that takes place at a wildly inappropriate venue, I could keep it together long enough to bring home $800.
Dear Billing and Collections Department at Our Lady of Tiger Football Hospital in Baton Rouge, La –
Oh how I’ve enjoyed our correspondence! It has been absolutely lovely getting to know you. Ever since my visit to the emergency room in August, we’ve been back and forth, but mostly forth seeing as how I haven’t written you back with that check you’ve been oh so politely requesting. And no, you can’t have my Visa number. A gentleman wouldn’t ask and a lady never tells.
In our phone conversations I was unyielding in my assertion that the injury I sustained at work, the one for which I sought treatment at your fine facility and the one for which you are now billing me, was a matter best settled between you and my former employer’s workers’ comp insurance company. You were equally insistent that the conflict at hand was between you and my wallet. My poor wallet has been cowering in my purse ever since you made this allegation and it will take many months of counseling before it makes a complete recovery. Even then, it will be but a shadow of its former self, always looking over its shoulder, wondering if somewhere out there a hospital billing department employee making minimum wage with no benefits is licking a prepaid envelope addressed to me with a bill in it for between $150 and $200.
Recently, you decided to include your good friend and professional associate the Collections Agency in our continued correspondence. I really appreciate that. The more, the merrier. I’m sure I’ll cherish all of the good times we shared (the curt messages from blocked numbers, the indistinct white envelopes with no return address printed on them) and I’ll look back on these memories with fondness and nostalgia every time I check my credit report.
Unfortunately, it seems that our communication will be coming to an end. My former employer is straightening out the mishap that brought you and I (and Collections) together and soon it will be time to say goodbye. I will miss you so very much and wish you all the best in your future endeavors in the area of ripping patients off and screwing up their credit.
All my love,
Morgan (the chick that came in with no feeling in her left arm)
No, I’m not talking about Tila Tequila. I mean yes, she is a crazy bitch in a hot ass mess, but I’m referring to a completely different crazy bitch and a totally unrelated hot ass mess. Newcomers to BowlOfPopcorn, I’m going to recommend that you go ahead and read my post from January 3rd (ex-lesbian apparently immigrated from bizarro world where evangelical church>fulfilling sex life) so that you can familiarize yourself with this clusterfuck.
I’ve scoured the interwebs for an update on the Lisa Miller vs. Janet Jenkins custody battle turned kidnapping, and all I could come up with was a Washington Post article that offered some bizarre details about Lisa Miller that I really think people need to know because she kidnapped her child and last time I checked that was way in the wrong. Or maybe that’s only if you’re a straight couple or if you both reside in a state that recognizes civil unions. Otherwise it’s totally cool. Go ahead. Kidnap away.
This is turning into an ideological throwdown, with Janet Jenkins on one side with her LGBT activist attorneys and Lisa Miller on the other with her lawyers from the Conservative Christian Foundation. But at the center of it all is a 7 year old girl and according to the details in the Washington Post article, regardless of where you stand on the ideology Lisa Miller is definitely not fit to parent a hamster, let alone a human.
Details of Lisa Miller’s life are, frankly, disturbing.
“Her parents divorced when she was 7, leaving Lisa alone for years with a mother she describes as mentally ill. Lisa became her mother’s sad caretaker, she said. “I never knew what was going to happen next or what I’d do that would set her off,” Lisa said. She was sexually abused as a child, she said. Her mother forbade her to date. “I tried,” Lisa said. “She would always find out. ‘All men are evil.’ That’s what I grew up with. ‘They only want one thing.’ ” At the same time, Lisa said, “all my life I was told, ‘You’ll never make it on your own.’ I’d bring home A’s and hear, ‘Why didn’t you get A-pluses?’ ” Lisa sought solace, order and companionship at a Baptist church in Arlington. “I was there every time the doors opened,” she said.”
On the subject of her custody battle with Jenkins, Lisa said “I just feel this is what God is leading me to do.” What? So let me get this straight, Lisa Miller of Winchester Va who is currently on the run with a minor child after a judge ordered you to surrender the child to your ex-partner, you’re saying that god is calling you, specifically, a nobody from nowhere, to tear your child’s life apart in a custody battle to make some kind of point? Because he’s got a plan, and that plan involves keeping the gays from getting married because it’s at the top of his “To Do” list, way above war and disease and famine.
No baby. No that’s not it at all, and if you really believe that there’s a god out there who thinks gay marriage is enough of an abomination that you need to kidnap your child and cease all contact with your attorneys, you really are a sick ticket and I’m sorry, girlfriend, but you don’t need to be left in charge of anything that breathes.
Am I insinuating that an individual with a family history of mental illness and sexual and psychological abuse is unfit to parent a child after displaying erratic behavior. No, I don’t need to insinuate. I am saying in the most direct way that I possibly can that Lisa Miller shouldn’t have custody of her child because she’s crazy, and y’know what? I’m probably right.
I love reading the personals on CraigsList.org, and I read them with the same enthusiasm that I eat cookies, sit on my ass, and play xbox. Today was that kind of day, and since misery loves company I made sure to get my trusty man-friend in on the joy. An hour spent contemplating out loud the desperation that would drive one to post an ad titled “TIGHT BOTTOM NEEDS HARD TOP ON THURS AFTERNOON” in m4m is an hour well spent on a cold winter’s afternoon.
Here are a few selections I just couldn’t keep to myself. There is just so much desire, longing, and intense sexual frustration out there in Craig’s Land, it’s only right to share. Make yourself a cup of hot chocolate and cosy up with a blanket for these.
“Private Emotively Empathetic Press Agent – 26”
dear undisclosed female,
I am here to listen, while sipping coffee from my leather embroidered couch and leaning against my leatherbound bookcase, petting, occasionally, my poodle named puddles, to your spirit, heart, mind, body, and etherial essence. Please refrain from misdirected enthusiasm; no foot stomping, hoot/hollering, no clapping or foot tapping until the session is commenced and finished; just the facts mam., just the facts.
Does this remind anyone of Anchorman? “I’m kind of a big deal. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” Seriously, Mr. Privately Emotively Empathetic Press Agent, pretentious much? I can’t imagine any woman wanting to share her etherial (misspelled, press agent my ass) essences with this man without a condom, saran wrap, and a pair of oven mitts. Oh, and the Drag Net reference ain’t doing it for me either, casanova. If you’re calling a girl ma’am you better be her bank teller, not her date.
“In search of a sugar mama – 26”
Not looking for NSA sex or anything other than that… I’m looking for a long term relationship…
Open or casual… I don’t care about your personal life… If you married or not because thats
your business… But I’m looking for a down to earth person that can take care of me and my needs…
I don’t need anyone that can’t hold a job and asking for money… I have my own, but…I can do bad all by myself…
So, can’t support yourself? Obviously, you can’t support me… Hmmm…
Reply to my ad with SUGA MAMA in the subject line or you will be deleted as spam…
If you don’t have a picture… No need to respond… No picture… Means you don’t get mine!
With a sense of entitlement as big as hers, this girl better have the hottest tang this side of the Mississippi. If she expects the independently wealthy bisexual woman of her champagne wishes and Gucci handbag dreams to be perusing CraigsList for a young lady to lavish with riches (and not expect any sex in return, because the ad really doesn’t specify) she’s not living in the same reality as the rest of us. “I don’t need anyone that can’t hold a job and asking for money” – because that’s what I do. “So, can’t support yourself? Obviously, you can’t support me” – because I’ve got about $20,000 in credit card debt to pay off.
“Ok so I am a LITTLE picky! – 24”
I am a little picky but they say there is someone out there for everyone. So here it goes! I am looking for someone that does NOT smoke, drink on a regular basis and does NOT do drugs. I love bald men with blue eyes but I do not have to have a bald man. I like older men but not over 39. I am pretty independent ok I am VERY Independent so you must not be a bum. I do not want a pic of my face on here but I want you to know I am real so I dont get a million emails asking me if I am real so please include a pic with your response! Oh Yeh I am a short thick girl so if you want barbie..please don’t waste your time or mine!
This girl is completely incapable of written composition past the level of 4th grade English. She also just described her ideal man as Mr. Clean.
“Lemme watch you jerk off – 28”
I’ve got some hot bareback porn for ya. Sit back on the couch and show me how you stroke your cock… I can lend a hand if you want, touch, even kiss, or just sit and watch you do your thing. Upto you. 420 friendly. Nice, laid back guy. Mail me if this interests you.
Let me just say that the posts in the “men seeking men” section of the personals were by far the most direct. Virtually all of the ads had titles that were really just orders, many of them shouted. “Suck my cock NOW!” was pretty direct, and I think someone was trying to play coy with “rough. me. up.” but this one really jumped out at me. This ad makes it sound like sex is going to be this accident that happens on a sunday afternoon while two guys are just casually watching a skin flick together on the couch. The title suggests a command, but the post itself is more of a friendly suggestion like “Hey, let’s get together and, y’know, watch porn after the game. We can smoke a little weed then maybe later I help you take your pants off and oops! How did my mouth end up on your penis?”
I hope all of my readers (back down to 2 – Was it something I said?) derived as much enjoyment from these personals ads as I did, and if the original authors happen to be reading my blog, keep up the good work you awesome bastards!
I found this story on HuffingtonPost.com and I feel like it’s my civic duty to share it with all of my readers (I’m up to about 7 now) so that y’all can share in my bewilderment. According to a story that originally came out of the Associated Press, an ex-lesbian who renounced her homosexual ways in favor of mission trip bake sales and monthly guitar masses has been locked for years in a custody battle with her former partner over their 7 year old daughter. This woman, Lisa Miller, has now disappeared with her daughter, disconnected her phone, and is no longer in contact with her lawyers after a Vermont judge ordered her to turn over custody of the child to her former partner Janet Jenkins. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the context of a custody cage match that sounds an awful lot like kidnapping. Guided by the moral teachings of the Christian bible (Romans 13:5 “Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience.”) Lisa Miller has defied a judge’s orders and kidnapped her child. If nothing else about this story irks you, this really should.
Let’s set the whole custody/kidnapping thing aside for a second and focus on what is clearly the most improbable aspect of the story. Ex-lesbian turned born again Christian? Really? Lisa Miller was a full time lesbian. Not a lesbian-until-graduation, not an “I’ve sworn off men Forever! Really!”-lesbian, she was the real deal Holyfield. She had the civil union and the in-vitro baby and everything!
Under normal circumstances I’d say go ahead and get busy with whoever you want and don’t bother with an explanation. It’s just not necessary. Declare yourself gayer than the gayest stereotype you could possibly come up with (Liza Minnelli AIDS benefit, bus full of androgynous Lilith Fair attendees) then forget all about it the next day, or just have sex with everyone! I might peg you for a huzzie, but that’s about it.
But I’m feeling like I could use a little insight from Lisa Miller, because this is one extreme case of waffling. She didn’t just call it quits, she bounced all the way over to the Evangelical end of the spectrum. This is the religious sect that brought you Ted Haggard, and then promptly threw him to the wolves after it was made public that he was “struggling with some homosexuality issues”. Prominent members of the Evangelical church have been known to place Catholicism and Mormonism squarely within the realm of heresy. That’s Jesus people hating other Jesus people!
So Lisa Miller of Winchester Va., if you’re out there, reading the bible by candle light in the basement of a church while your child is hopefully safe and warm, I’d appreciate an explanation.
I consider myself a member of an exclusive group I like to call the American Civil Liberties Union Trifecta – being a member of no fewer than three ethnic, sexual, or religious minorities.
Earning your Trifecta merit badge is so easy, you may have already done it! Ask yourself a few simple questions:
Am I something other than Caucasian regardless of my level of exposure to UVA/UVB rays?
Am I gay/bi/transgender/genderqueer/intersex/in love with a tangerine?
Do I worship/pray/sacrifice my firstborn to something other than the Judeo-Christian God?
If you answered “Yes!” to each an every one of these, you are most likely a certifiable member of the ACLU Trifecta Merit Badge Holders Club! Benefits include but are not limited to a lifetime supply of discrimination, a sturdy glass ceiling (includes stainless steal brackets – some assembly required), and a Barnes & Noble gift card worth $5.
Members of the ACLU Superfecta Elite Gold Club are also granted access to the ACLU Superfecta Elite Gold Club Lounge located in Terminal C between the Cinnabon and the women’s bathroom. In order to qualify for ACLU Superfecta Elite Gold Club membership, an ACLU Trifecta Merit Badge Holder Club member must meet one or more of the following bonus qualifications:
Quadriplegic and/or otherwise physically Differently Abled
Mentally Differently Abled
Unable to control your insatiable appetite for moderately attractive (but by no stretch of the imagination beautiful) cocktail waitresses and chicks you meet at IHOP -“Come hungry, leave happy” indeed.
What’s your Trifecta?
I’m a gay atheist woman! All I have to do is sleep with every chick at Waffle House and I get to hang out at the Superfecta lounge! I hear they’ve got skiball and one of those iPod vending machines!
This is what it’s like living with my grandparents. Keep in mind, I probably wouldn’t live here if I wasn’t dead broke and “in transition” as my mom puts it.
My grandfather has strategically placed baby monitors all over the house so that in the event that my grandmother needs a refill of coffee/Bailey’s/Lexapro, he is never more than a barely audible panicked yelp away. And that really is the sort of thing that gets a panicked yelp at their house.
The baby monitors add a new dimension of creepy to a home that is already toeing that fine line between eccentric and insane. During the day my grandmother sits in her “chair and a half” – an invention that I suspect is as uniquely American as fast food – surrounded by wall-to-wall sock monkeys and sock monkey accouterments. There is a tv tray large enough to perform major surgery on, but it’s stacked so high with crafty junk that it can’t be used for meals or surgery, unless the patient is a sock monkey.
Occasionally my grandfather’s neurotic little black dog will penetrate my grandmother’s sock monkey fortress and steal something like a scrap of fabric or a roll of tape. Initially, my grandfather felt like the best course of action to get the stolen item back would be to “bribe” the dog with a biscuit. He successfully trained his dog to steal little treasures from my grandmother and earn a reward. This wasn’t something I was aware of when I moved here, so when my grandmother’s panicked yelps sent me chasing the dog I had no idea that if I tried to take his latest find away from him without offering some kind of edible incentive, he’d snap at me. Then again, he had no idea that if he snapped at me I’d slap the taste right out of his little mouth. You learn something new every day, you really do.
Everything, and I do mean everything, is covered in a fine layer of dog hair. When I first arrived, my immune system didn’t even have a chance to kick into Defcon 1 before the all out nasal-sinus holocaust began. Doing what Mom’s do best, mine asked me on the phone, “What color is your mucus?”
The same color as the dogs.
There is a flat screen television in the living room worthy of any home theater aficionado’s admiration and respect, and at any given time it is blaring one of two channels: Fox News or Lifetime. These are the two most paranoid networks in the business. My grandmother can’t decide if she’s more terrified of H1N1, terrorists from Nigeria getting through airport security with hidden crotch bombs, or registered sex offenders. The world according to Fox News is an awful place . There’s a war against Christmas! Did you hear? No wonder she never leaves the house.
My grandfather hasn’t had a haircut in a good long time and for a man who’s had a heart attack he sure does eat a lot of pizza. And jambalaya. And hominy grits with bacon and eggs.
There’s a baby monitor in the room with my computer. My grandmother just burped in her sleep. I promise y’all, all this stuff is as true as it is bizarre.