Bowl of Popcorn

the snow will continue until morale improves

12/21/2009 at 9:02 AM (Uncategorized) (beige, crazy, snow, stepford, wasp)

My grandparents live in a nice neighborhood. The street signs are all a matching shade of hunter green and the names of the streets are in a respectable sans-serif font. The neighborhood association to which they pay dues has very strict mandates with regard to parking (only blemish-free late model vehicles in an inconspicuous color – try beige – are to be parked on the street) dog walking (allow only the most attractive members of your household to walk your AKC registered canine – please leave cousin Wall Eye Robert and aunt Unibrow Betsey in the basement where they belong) and Christmas decorations (small tidy LIVE wreaths no more than 24″ in diameter and made exclusively of either juniper pepperberry OR cedar with a red ribbon in either silk OR satin only please, on pain of death).

You’d think that with all of these regulations and expensive membership dues, the neighborhood association of the subdivision of Ye Olde WASP’s Nest would have enough money and enough good sense to get its quaint little streets thoroughly plowed when 14″ of snow blanketed most of the area.

I spent the first night of “Snow Blows 2009” at the home of a friend who lives out in a rural community where in the event of a snow storm packs of good ol’ boys on four wheelers patrol the neighborhood with chain-saws looking for downed trees to obliterate and ordinary citizens attach giant scrapey things to the grills of their trucks and get their plow on at 6am. Needless to say, the roads were pretty much clear by about 7:45 and people were making their way to the Walmart for the paper and some hot coffee.

By the time I left in the early afternoon I figured my grandparents pretentious little village would have their snow situation under control too. They didn’t, not in the least little bit. When I pulled into the entrance I was greeted by a wall of gray snow and the sound of my own spinning tires. Apparently no one had come or gone in the past 18 hours and certainly no one had bothered to line up some sort of snow-be-gone service a few days ago when the Weather Channel announced a winter weather apocalypse.

Much to the chagrin of our neighbors, I had to park my big white truck – complete with dents and leftover decals from its stint as a work vehicle for a machine shop – on the street because the snow was so thick that I couldn’t make it up to the cul-de-sac let alone the driveway.

The next day was the same story. The rest of the town is back to business despite the weather, but residents of my grandparents creepy little Stepford subdivision seem completely lost. Driveways remain uncleared, cars remain safely nestled in their garages. Don’t any of these people have enterprising grandkids with snow shovels and thermoses of hot cocoa?

My grandfather did end up paying me and Kyle to shovel snow from his driveway. No on else seemed particularly interested in utilizing our services.

I think these people might be crazy.

Later

Morgan

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